Oh Lord, won't you buy me, a .....

Teutonic titan Mercedes has been voted the best customer service provider in the UK, at least as far as carmakers are concerned. Fair enough. I don't drive a Merc, so I can't say. But I know a man who does - and his rant isn't about Mercedes, but about a competitor trying to win away its customers. Like most of these blogs, Mr Merc isn't panning the competitor, which happened to be Porsche - rather, he's drawing attention to the lost opportunities Porsche could have exploited. All of which could have been resolved with a bit better communication.

Like all my rants, it's a real story from a real person. Here we go...

One day Mr Merc Owner gets an invitation in the mail. Inviting him to the UK launch of a very special vehicle: the new Porsche Panamera. No idea what "Panamera" means, but anyway it's the new four-seat one that Jeremy Clarkson refuses to look at 'cos it's too ugly. (In fairness, I don't think it looks bad at all.) Out of curiosity he decides to go down for a look.

The rear end doesn't look that bad, Jezza!

 

Bear in mind Mercedes drivers, along with perhaps BMW 5-series and ups, are the absolute be-all and end-all must-reach target for Porsche's new 4-seater car. Of which our Mr Merc is one. (With apologies to Janis Joplin - his friends don't all drive Porsches. Most of them drive Mercs, too. That makes him a "high-value prospect".) These are men - they are nearly all men - who enjoy their cars, like the feel of quality and solidity inherent to their brand, and who tend to be rather brand loyal.

This is the audience Porsche simply has to grip the imaginations of. Because this Porsche, the 4-seater one, won't be bought by "normal" Porsche buyers - the City boys and sportscar enthusiasts who like the little two-seater with a punch in the boot. Try telling them it came off the same drawing board as the Volkswagen Beetle.)  No, the target demographic for the four-up is older, wiser, less boy-racer. It's neither easy nor cheap to get 50 guys like this together in one room, so if you can manage it - and Porsche did - you've got to "pay off" their investment: make it worthwhile for both sides.

The canapes were pretty good, though

So when our Mercedes owner turns up at the event in London, he's expecting something a bit, y'know, interesting.

A (small) glass of fizz and a plate of canapes later, he's still waiting.

There's no workshop open where these mature petrolheads can look the car over and pop the bonnet. There's nobody offering him a test drive. (Apparently there's a desk upstairs where you can do that, not exactly lit up in green neon.) He restocks his canape plate and walks around a bit.

After an hour of chatting to fellow businessmen (he's quite possibly made more marketing capital out of the event that Porsche has) he's wondering if Porsche actually want to sell any Panameras. Maybe they're going into business as caterers instead and he's got the wrong idea about what they're prospecting for.

So instead of feeling interested in the new Porsche, he goes away feeling mildly aggrieved at their customer service. And a while later, the only followup he gets is a single letter from the dealership, asking him to "get in contact" if he wants a demonstration drive.

Now what gets me worked up about this story is there were so many moments where the right approach by a marketer would've made a big difference. They had at least eight "touchpoints" where he was ready to give a positive response. When he first got the letter. When he agreed to come along. When he arrived at the venue. When he first hit the nibbles table. And so on. All, it seems, wasted.

I still like the look of the Porsche, meself. But small blue apostrophes aren't exactly Porsche's target demographic. Panamera? Pan a marketing department, is what our Mr Merc says...